How to handle problem with teens.

[simon_tan]

Maybe the title of this tread should read "How to handle problem of parents not being able to communicate with their teens ?"

My wife and I have not reached this stage yet, as our kids are still far from being teens, but we fear in anticipation !!!

[mel&sun]

Could it be due to lack of attention (LOA) from parents? Sometimes kids does the weirdest things or naughty things just to get the attention of their parents. As what the others have said, the best is to sit down and have a heart to heart talk. Have not been a parent myself, still young, but generally my peers does that to get the attention of their parents, some out of peer pressure and some just wanna try the fun of being rebellious.

The best is to get her off it before she becomes addicted to it. As for me, had a few during my college days... peer pressure ler... and also the fact that i have all the freedom (behind parents back) one would ask for as a teenager Stayed with dad only... parents divorced. But found out that smoking is not so fun afterall. I can say i grew out of it fast... Thank God!

So, get your friend to talk to his/ her daughter, find out the reason.

[Vixey]

My opinion is that if parents don't treat her having ciggies as a bad thing that should be nipped in the bud there and then, she may take it as having the liberty to indulge in other vices like sex, drink and steal....perhaps long before the parents realise it.

We may be deliberating this issue by assuming kids have the same maturity as we do (or we had when we were 14), but I think discipline is something that cannot be compromised for the purpose of sounding level-headed.

My parents made it a point to make my home very comfortable for my friends to hang out in. They did this from the time I was very young. My mum literally was a surrogate mum to many of my friends so as I grew into the "danger years" my relationship with her was very close and so were my friends.

If I met anybody new, somehow, one Sunday lunch would be organised to meet the new friend. In short, my parents knew the people I mixed with.

They respected my privacy yet they made sure I understood certain rules were unnegotiable. Like, my father used to answer all the phone calls. If my dad were to ask who was speaking (esp if it were a guy!) and the guy replied, "a friend", my dad would say, "sorry friend, my daughter only speaks to people with a name" and then hang up.

Things like drugs...of course I was exposed to it..and yes experimented with a little puff here and there. BUT, I was well aware of the dangers of drug addiction. WHY? Because from my pre-teen years, dad used to take me along to church outreach activities in halfway houses. I saw first hand the effects of coccain, heroin addiction etc..

I guess, when I look back, my parents laid a lot of groundwork, way before I got into the danger years so that the information they wanted me to have was ALREADY in built into my system when I needed it the most.

And with communication, they helped me come to my "own decisions" by steering me the right way.

Coming from a girl who grew up with gangster friends alongside straight A students, discipline is a training system to help your child develop a productive and ethical lifestyle. Ie..curfews, timetables, accountability and responsibility in accepting the consequences of bad decisions etc

But if you are going to rely on discipline as opposed to handling the situation with a level-head, you are in for a lot of surprises as a parent. Because if you don't lay the foundation of the principles you hope your child would have from the time he is 9-10 years old, don't expect harsh words and laying down the law to work when they are 15.

Teens have the most ingenius methods for deception and will wear the badge of beatings, canings, curfews etc with pride.

Its not about maturity. Its how we have been programmed from young by our parents to know instintively what is right. Thing is, a lot of kids are left to their own devices when they are in primary school. Family time is to go out eating, shopping etc. Mostly social activities.

When they are in their teens, their social activities will be focused on their peers. If you didn't make use of those younger days to instill in them a solid value system, what makes you think you can do it when they are in their teens?

Before I end this rambling post, for over 3 years I think, from the time I reached puberty, I used to volunteer at a home for unwed mothers..reading stories to the kids etc...

It was the stories I heard from those young girls , watching them make the hardest decisions in their lives and seeing how drastically their lives had change, made me very strong about my sexuality. I already knew the flip side to the "glamour" and I didn't indulge in activities that I know would cost me everything.

It wasn't my dad saying No, you cannot do that with your bf, or a good girl wouldn't do this..etc

It was my dad six years or so before all that, spending Saturday afternoons with me in a home for young single mothers. That when I was maturing sexually, I knew at least how NOT to deal with it.

So, if you don't have the time to lay the foundation right when your child's value system is forming, then nipping it in the bud by harsh discipline would most probably end up in enabling your teen to carry out a double life. One where you feel good as a strong disciplinarian while your teen goes on doing what she/he wants without getting caught.

[kaym]

Very well said Vixey.

When I was 14, I experimented smoking too. My late father was a man of few words...but his stares could 'kill' ya and he was a smoker too. The day I was caught, he called me to his side, with a ciggie puffing away....he asked me....."Do you want one?" I was so scared, I almost 'kencing dalam seluar'. I knew he must had found out. The truth was..I had stolen one of his ciggies, smoked in my room and my sister smelled the odor.

We all had our childhood days......always wanting to experience new things, experimented what our friends were doing, etc. Some may be wrong...but its part of growing up.

[Ski]

Hi
If all the above methods mentioned dont work,can i relate to what i did when I found my son involved in smoking.
Did not tell him in advance but made a surprise visit to the TB hospital, cancer wards in UH and GH and he saw for himself the sufferings..he turned cold and was devasted at the scenes, since then he has given up smoking.

TQ

[ceo684]

Actually it isn't so much of the smoking per se . The parents is worried that there is a real hidden problem associated to that issue. Will that lead her to worse , drugs, estassy or other undesirable habits. To punish or not to punish ? How to thread the situation so as not to put up too much barrier between the parents and child that lead to a breakdown in communication and trust. If she did not listen to the parents reasoning, what next.

Well.. ciggies are somewhat associated with alcopops (those 4.90 vodka ices) .. depends on the gal la.. some successful women i met also were smokers last time in their youth.

Anti smoking ar.. better to use educational method. Let her smoke lah, on the basis that u make it clear you disapprove. (health issues will wisen her up sooner or later. better try smoking rather than goody goody till 22 then after that bf influence smoke, that 22+ smoking is harmful as that is proven to be more addictive than the 15-18 try-try smokes). She smokes light (kent 6/9 is probably cleaner than the vehicle exhaust gases) or gone "heavy pro" with the marlboros?

Maybe the same thing more or less can be said about some gals that wear tudung at home but take off when outside, when sampai at the local ktm baru wear back, hehe. <- Very amusing

[CCY]

Hi
If all the above methods mentioned dont work,can i relate to what i did when I found my son involved in smoking.
Did not tell him in advance but made a surprise visit to the TB hospital, cancer wards in UH and GH and he saw for himself the sufferings..he turned cold and was devasted at the scenes, since then he has given up smoking.

TQ

The underlying problem is more than just smoking. Most can bear with it. It is that negative conotation associated with smoking and what it will lead to is a bigger issue here. It is a matter of ' what's next' is in the pipeline. Nobody want to hear from their teens that say they are becoming a mother/father of sorts now. I have not come to that stage yet with mine for another few years . But it would be good to be knowleageable, aware of the steps that can be taken when that happens.