How to handle problem with teens.

[CCY]

This is a real situation.
A teenage 15yrs girl came home after school with a pack of ciggie. How do we tackle the situation. Blow our top at the sight of it ? Stomp on the pack to show your displeasure right in front?

[Firefly]

Ask her to smoke the whole pack in front of you. Make sure she light more than 2 at a time. After that, she will be hooked. And all her allowance will go into paying for them.

[monster]

I'm no child behavior professional.... I guess its how close a bonding the parent has with the child... can they speak and share views openly.

[tan_r]

Talk to her.

[CCY]

I'm no child behavior professional.... I guess its how close a bonding the parent has with the child... can they speak and share views openly.

They are on talking terms . Quite rebellious or stubborn at times . Has been caught ponteng from classes and dealt with some form of curfew. The problem stem from the friends that she mixes with.

[idolfan]

Yup .. dun stop communicating with her.. it won't be easy.

In a teenagers' world there is nuthin more important than her "friends" .. her peers.. more likely than not she is doin it becoz she wants to be accepted by her frens and appear to be kool.. dun get into direct confrontation with her .. keep her lines of communicating with her parents open.

These are my personal views based on bein an uncle to a couple of teens.. I will be facing such challenges as a dad in about six years.

[tan_r]

... Quite rebellious or stubborn at times . Has been caught ponteng from classes and dealt with some form of curfew. The problem stem from the friends that she mixes with.

Those are effects ... what caused these effects? IMO, a heart to heart talk is needed. Whatever comes out of it, do not react. Just respond accordingly.

[Vixey]

My parents (both non-smokers) didn't explode with rage when they caught me when I was 14.

I was quite stunned by that because I knew in my head what kind of parent speech and punishment I would get.

Can only share what worked with me but its hard to say it will work with everybody else.

My parents expressed very calmly over a period of time, how sad they feel as parents. I remember my mom told me that THEY had failed me if THEY drove me to want to kill myself slowly with ciggies.

When the "cool" factor came in and that "everyone else" was trying it out etc...she seemed even more dejected that SHE has failed miserably in trying to instill self-confidence within me to be my own person. And not need to "follow the pack" to feel accepted.

Then I started finding little articles in my room. Not long wordy stuff..just plain facts and pictorial consequences.

Slowly, I learned to say No on my own. And to me it was my own decision. It didn't happen over night but I made the right decision anyway.
Didn't touch a ciggy ever again until.. I started working in a sales job a few years ago.

I quit soon after because I couldn't handle the guilt. It was extremely difficult being the one and only non-smoker in the office. Didn't help that my bf at the time also smoked and my favourite grand-aunt was a regular Puffy the Dragon as well.

[CCY]

To complicate the matter a bit . The father is a smoker himself . The mother uses soft approach all this while until yesterday. Perhaps that is the last straw with her patience seeing her bloom turn to smoke n ashes. The father becomes the bad guy after all and is seeking some fast answer as what to do.
Further question arises as to whether the father is the suitable person to talk to her now. He may feel awkward telling the daughter to quit or the daughter may have the feeling ...you do that why can't I...
Is it kind of a bit weird having a smoker telling a non smoker not to ?

[tupai]

have u guys seen the latest 'anti-smoking' drive in thailand? the ciggie pack there carry various pictures:
1. a diseased & really half rotten lungs
2. a set of very blackened & tar coated teeth...enuff to set off a surreal sense of gutter smell coming out from that mouth...yuk!

sorry ah---meknow many brudders here who smoke lah...

Yang Amat Berasap tupai

[Timo]

Perhaps because both my parents smoked, I never had the urge to try smoking because I hated the smell, and hated the fact that they were addicted to it... however, this is not really about smoking. It's more about the teen searching for him/her self.

If I did try smoking and my parents caught me, I really don't know how I would react, or how they would react. However, I would like to think that they would give me the freedom to choose to do whatever I want.

So, in that vein, if I were the parent, I would not react too negatively. After all, its just cigarettes. Why do we have the view that they are 'evil'? Sure, its a silly habit, a waste of money, and bad for the health, but sooner or later the teen should figure this out for him/her self. It is probably because they expect us to go bonkers that they do it in the first place, to separate themselves from what the parents want them to be - hence the popular term 'teen rebellion'. I would just explain to the child why I don't like him/her smoking, and ask why (s)he is doing it in the first place. The teen can then make his/her own decision.

[mad1126]

Myself went through this stage before as a teenager. I smoke in the toilet everywhere but not infront of my parent.My mum found out only when I'm in
college.I dun bother and always quarrel with them when they nag at me.They always say girl shouldn't smoke(The only reason they gave me).When I'm old enough to think I feel that the real reason for me to quit is because of the health issue not because of as a girl shouldn't smoke (blah blah blah) and try to quit smoking although I didn't manage to quit (still trying) but I still feel that If possible parent should talk to their child (not nag or scold)Tell them the reason is because of you are worried about their health.

[orchipalar]

My parents (both non-smokers) didn't explode with rage when they caught me when I was 14.

I was quite stunned by that because I knew in my head what kind of parent speech and punishment I would get.

Can only share what worked with me but its hard to say it will work with everybody else.

My parents expressed very calmly over a period of time, how sad they feel as parents. I remember my mom told me that THEY had failed me if THEY drove me to want to kill myself slowly with ciggies.

When the "cool" factor came in and that "everyone else" was trying it out etc...she seemed even more dejected that SHE has failed miserably in trying to instill self-confidence within me to be my own person. And not need to "follow the pack" to feel accepted.

Then I started finding little articles in my room. Not long wordy stuff..just plain facts and pictorial consequences.

Slowly, I learned to say No on my own. And to me it was my own decision. It didn't happen over night but I made the right decision anyway.
Didn't touch a ciggy ever again until.. I started working in a sales job a few years ago.

I quit soon after because I couldn't handle the guilt. It was extremely difficult being the one and only non-smoker in the office. Didn't help that my bf at the time also smoked and my favourite grand-aunt was a regular Puffy the Dragon as well.

Err...Vixey has a good point...n speaking from her very own experience...Orchi sokong 100%...

Ahem...err...at this age...caught her having ciggies is one thang...n in Orchi's book...it ain't that bad afterall...

Hearing or catching her having sexual relationship at this early ages...would be more shocking!...so how?

Err...same goes IF she steals...or landed in jail for being drunken n disorderly...n then how...?

Ahem...go easy man...like Raymond said...do response n try to find a 'settlement' for all...never react please!

[CCY]

Myself went through this stage before as a teenager. I smoke in the toilet everywhere but not infront of my parent.My mum found out only when I'm in
college.I dun bother and always quarrel with them when they nag at me.They always say girl shouldn't smoke(The only reason they gave me).When I'm old enough to think I feel that the real reason for me to quit is because of the health issue not because of as a girl shouldn't smoke (blah blah blah) and try to quit smoking although I didn't manage to quit (still trying) but I still feel that If possible parent should talk to their child (not nag or scold)Tell them the reason is because of you are worried about their health.

Actually it isn't so much of the smoking per se . The parents is worried that there is a real hidden problem associated to that issue. Will that lead her to worse , drugs, estassy or other undesirable habits. To punish or not to punish ? How to thread the situation so as not to put up too much barrier between the parents and child that lead to a breakdown in communication and trust. If she did not listen to the parents reasoning, what next.

[JackRyan1975]

Ahem...err...at this age...caught her having ciggies is one thang...n in Orchi's book...it ain't that bad afterall...

Hearing or catching her having sexual relationship at this early ages...would be more shocking!...so how?

Err...same goes IF she steals...or landed in jail for being drunken n disorderly...n then how...?

My opinion is that if parents don't treat her having ciggies as a bad thing that should be nipped in the bud there and then, she may take it as having the liberty to indulge in other vices like sex, drink and steal....perhaps long before the parents realise it.

We may be deliberating this issue by assuming kids have the same maturity as we do (or we had when we were 14), but I think discipline is something that cannot be compromised for the purpose of sounding level-headed.