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CCY
27-06-2005, 01:34 PM
This is a real situation.
A teenage 15yrs girl came home after school with a pack of ciggie. How do we tackle the situation. Blow our top at the sight of it ? Stomp on the pack to show your displeasure right in front?

Firefly
27-06-2005, 01:41 PM
Ask her to smoke the whole pack in front of you. Make sure she light more than 2 at a time. After that, she will be hooked. And all her allowance will go into paying for them. :eek:

monster
27-06-2005, 01:55 PM
I'm no child behavior professional.... I guess its how close a bonding the parent has with the child... can they speak and share views openly.

tan_r
27-06-2005, 01:55 PM
Talk to her.

CCY
27-06-2005, 02:01 PM
I'm no child behavior professional.... I guess its how close a bonding the parent has with the child... can they speak and share views openly.

They are on talking terms . Quite rebellious or stubborn at times . Has been caught ponteng from classes and dealt with some form of curfew. The problem stem from the friends that she mixes with.

idolfan
27-06-2005, 02:09 PM
Yup .. dun stop communicating with her.. it won't be easy.

In a teenagers' world there is nuthin more important than her "friends" .. her peers.. more likely than not she is doin it becoz she wants to be accepted by her frens and appear to be kool.. dun get into direct confrontation with her .. keep her lines of communicating with her parents open.

These are my personal views based on bein an uncle to a couple of teens.. I will be facing such challenges as a dad in about six years.

tan_r
27-06-2005, 02:09 PM
... Quite rebellious or stubborn at times . Has been caught ponteng from classes and dealt with some form of curfew. The problem stem from the friends that she mixes with.
Those are effects ... what caused these effects? IMO, a heart to heart talk is needed. Whatever comes out of it, do not react. Just respond accordingly.

Vixey
27-06-2005, 02:40 PM
My parents (both non-smokers) didn't explode with rage when they caught me when I was 14.

I was quite stunned by that because I knew in my head what kind of parent speech and punishment I would get.

Can only share what worked with me but its hard to say it will work with everybody else.

My parents expressed very calmly over a period of time, how sad they feel as parents. I remember my mom told me that THEY had failed me if THEY drove me to want to kill myself slowly with ciggies.

When the "cool" factor came in and that "everyone else" was trying it out etc...she seemed even more dejected that SHE has failed miserably in trying to instill self-confidence within me to be my own person. And not need to "follow the pack" to feel accepted.

Then I started finding little articles in my room. Not long wordy stuff..just plain facts and pictorial consequences.

Slowly, I learned to say No on my own. And to me it was my own decision. It didn't happen over night but I made the right decision anyway.
Didn't touch a ciggy ever again until.. :o I started working in a sales job a few years ago.

I quit soon after because I couldn't handle the guilt. It was extremely difficult being the one and only non-smoker in the office. Didn't help that my bf at the time also smoked and my favourite grand-aunt was a regular Puffy the Dragon as well.

CCY
27-06-2005, 02:57 PM
To complicate the matter a bit . The father is a smoker himself . The mother uses soft approach all this while until yesterday. Perhaps that is the last straw with her patience seeing her bloom turn to smoke n ashes. The father becomes the bad guy after all and is seeking some fast answer as what to do.
Further question arises as to whether the father is the suitable person to talk to her now. He may feel awkward telling the daughter to quit or the daughter may have the feeling ...you do that why can't I...
Is it kind of a bit weird having a smoker telling a non smoker not to ?

tupai
27-06-2005, 03:10 PM
have u guys seen the latest 'anti-smoking' drive in thailand? the ciggie pack there carry various pictures:
1. a diseased & really half rotten lungs
2. a set of very blackened & tar coated teeth...enuff to set off a surreal sense of gutter smell coming out from that mouth...yuk! :eek:

sorry ah---meknow many brudders here who smoke lah...

Yang Amat Berasap tupai

Timo
27-06-2005, 03:18 PM
Perhaps because both my parents smoked, I never had the urge to try smoking because I hated the smell, and hated the fact that they were addicted to it... however, this is not really about smoking. It's more about the teen searching for him/her self.

If I did try smoking and my parents caught me, I really don't know how I would react, or how they would react. However, I would like to think that they would give me the freedom to choose to do whatever I want.

So, in that vein, if I were the parent, I would not react too negatively. After all, its just cigarettes. Why do we have the view that they are 'evil'? Sure, its a silly habit, a waste of money, and bad for the health, but sooner or later the teen should figure this out for him/her self. It is probably because they expect us to go bonkers that they do it in the first place, to separate themselves from what the parents want them to be - hence the popular term 'teen rebellion'. I would just explain to the child why I don't like him/her smoking, and ask why (s)he is doing it in the first place. The teen can then make his/her own decision.

mad1126
27-06-2005, 03:23 PM
Myself went through this stage before as a teenager. I smoke in the toilet everywhere but not infront of my parent.My mum found out only when I'm in
college.I dun bother and always quarrel with them when they nag at me.They always say girl shouldn't smoke(The only reason they gave me).When I'm old enough to think I feel that the real reason for me to quit is because of the health issue not because of as a girl shouldn't smoke (blah blah blah) and try to quit smoking although I didn't manage to quit (still trying) :o but I still feel that If possible parent should talk to their child (not nag or scold)Tell them the reason is because of you are worried about their health. :p

orchipalar
27-06-2005, 03:59 PM
My parents (both non-smokers) didn't explode with rage when they caught me when I was 14.

I was quite stunned by that because I knew in my head what kind of parent speech and punishment I would get.

Can only share what worked with me but its hard to say it will work with everybody else.

My parents expressed very calmly over a period of time, how sad they feel as parents. I remember my mom told me that THEY had failed me if THEY drove me to want to kill myself slowly with ciggies.

When the "cool" factor came in and that "everyone else" was trying it out etc...she seemed even more dejected that SHE has failed miserably in trying to instill self-confidence within me to be my own person. And not need to "follow the pack" to feel accepted.

Then I started finding little articles in my room. Not long wordy stuff..just plain facts and pictorial consequences.

Slowly, I learned to say No on my own. And to me it was my own decision. It didn't happen over night but I made the right decision anyway.
Didn't touch a ciggy ever again until.. :o I started working in a sales job a few years ago.

I quit soon after because I couldn't handle the guilt. It was extremely difficult being the one and only non-smoker in the office. Didn't help that my bf at the time also smoked and my favourite grand-aunt was a regular Puffy the Dragon as well.

Err...Vixey has a good point:)...n speaking from her very own experience...Orchi sokong 100%...

Ahem...err...at this age...caught her having ciggies is one thang...n in Orchi's book...it ain't that bad afterall...

Hearing or catching her having sexual relationship at this early ages...would be more shocking!...so how?

Err...same goes IF she steals...or landed in jail for being drunken n disorderly...n then how...?

Ahem...go easy man...like Raymond said...do response n try to find a 'settlement' for all...never react please!

CCY
27-06-2005, 04:09 PM
Myself went through this stage before as a teenager. I smoke in the toilet everywhere but not infront of my parent.My mum found out only when I'm in
college.I dun bother and always quarrel with them when they nag at me.They always say girl shouldn't smoke(The only reason they gave me).When I'm old enough to think I feel that the real reason for me to quit is because of the health issue not because of as a girl shouldn't smoke (blah blah blah) and try to quit smoking although I didn't manage to quit (still trying) :o but I still feel that If possible parent should talk to their child (not nag or scold)Tell them the reason is because of you are worried about their health. :p


Actually it isn't so much of the smoking per se . The parents is worried that there is a real hidden problem associated to that issue. Will that lead her to worse , drugs, estassy or other undesirable habits. To punish or not to punish ? How to thread the situation so as not to put up too much barrier between the parents and child that lead to a breakdown in communication and trust. If she did not listen to the parents reasoning, what next.

JackRyan1975
27-06-2005, 04:17 PM
Ahem...err...at this age...caught her having ciggies is one thang...n in Orchi's book...it ain't that bad afterall...

Hearing or catching her having sexual relationship at this early ages...would be more shocking!...so how?

Err...same goes IF she steals...or landed in jail for being drunken n disorderly...n then how...?

My opinion is that if parents don't treat her having ciggies as a bad thing that should be nipped in the bud there and then, she may take it as having the liberty to indulge in other vices like sex, drink and steal....perhaps long before the parents realise it.

We may be deliberating this issue by assuming kids have the same maturity as we do (or we had when we were 14), but I think discipline is something that cannot be compromised for the purpose of sounding level-headed.

simon_tan
27-06-2005, 04:55 PM
Maybe the title of this tread should read "How to handle problem of parents not being able to communicate with their teens ?"

My wife and I have not reached this stage yet, as our kids are still far from being teens, but we fear in anticipation !!!

mel&sun
27-06-2005, 05:20 PM
Could it be due to lack of attention (LOA) from parents? :confused: Sometimes kids does the weirdest things or naughty things just to get the attention of their parents. As what the others have said, the best is to sit down and have a heart to heart talk. :o Have not been a parent myself, still young, but generally my peers does that to get the attention of their parents, some out of peer pressure and some just wanna try the fun of being rebellious.

The best is to get her off it before she becomes addicted to it. As for me, had a few during my college days... peer pressure ler... and also the fact that i have all the freedom (behind parents back) one would ask for as a teenager :D Stayed with dad only... parents divorced. But found out that smoking is not so fun afterall. I can say i grew out of it fast... ;) Thank God! :D

So, get your friend to talk to his/ her daughter, find out the reason. ;)

Vixey
28-06-2005, 01:46 AM
My opinion is that if parents don't treat her having ciggies as a bad thing that should be nipped in the bud there and then, she may take it as having the liberty to indulge in other vices like sex, drink and steal....perhaps long before the parents realise it.

We may be deliberating this issue by assuming kids have the same maturity as we do (or we had when we were 14), but I think discipline is something that cannot be compromised for the purpose of sounding level-headed.

My parents made it a point to make my home very comfortable for my friends to hang out in. They did this from the time I was very young. My mum literally was a surrogate mum to many of my friends so as I grew into the "danger years" my relationship with her was very close and so were my friends.

If I met anybody new, somehow, one Sunday lunch would be organised to meet the new friend. In short, my parents knew the people I mixed with.

They respected my privacy yet they made sure I understood certain rules were unnegotiable. Like, my father used to answer all the phone calls. If my dad were to ask who was speaking (esp if it were a guy!) and the guy replied, "a friend", my dad would say, "sorry friend, my daughter only speaks to people with a name" and then hang up.

Things like drugs...of course I was exposed to it..and yes experimented with a little puff here and there. BUT, I was well aware of the dangers of drug addiction. WHY? Because from my pre-teen years, dad used to take me along to church outreach activities in halfway houses. I saw first hand the effects of coccain, heroin addiction etc..

I guess, when I look back, my parents laid a lot of groundwork, way before I got into the danger years so that the information they wanted me to have was ALREADY in built into my system when I needed it the most.

And with communication, they helped me come to my "own decisions" by steering me the right way.

Coming from a girl who grew up with gangster friends alongside straight A students, discipline is a training system to help your child develop a productive and ethical lifestyle. Ie..curfews, timetables, accountability and responsibility in accepting the consequences of bad decisions etc

But if you are going to rely on discipline as opposed to handling the situation with a level-head, you are in for a lot of surprises as a parent. Because if you don't lay the foundation of the principles you hope your child would have from the time he is 9-10 years old, don't expect harsh words and laying down the law to work when they are 15.

Teens have the most ingenius methods for deception and will wear the badge of beatings, canings, curfews etc with pride.

Its not about maturity. Its how we have been programmed from young by our parents to know instintively what is right. Thing is, a lot of kids are left to their own devices when they are in primary school. Family time is to go out eating, shopping etc. Mostly social activities.

When they are in their teens, their social activities will be focused on their peers. If you didn't make use of those younger days to instill in them a solid value system, what makes you think you can do it when they are in their teens?

Before I end this rambling post, for over 3 years I think, from the time I reached puberty, I used to volunteer at a home for unwed mothers..reading stories to the kids etc...

It was the stories I heard from those young girls , watching them make the hardest decisions in their lives and seeing how drastically their lives had change, made me very strong about my sexuality. I already knew the flip side to the "glamour" and I didn't indulge in activities that I know would cost me everything.

It wasn't my dad saying No, you cannot do that with your bf, or a good girl wouldn't do this..etc

It was my dad six years or so before all that, spending Saturday afternoons with me in a home for young single mothers. That when I was maturing sexually, I knew at least how NOT to deal with it.

So, if you don't have the time to lay the foundation right when your child's value system is forming, then nipping it in the bud by harsh discipline would most probably end up in enabling your teen to carry out a double life. One where you feel good as a strong disciplinarian while your teen goes on doing what she/he wants without getting caught.

kaym
28-06-2005, 06:16 AM
Very well said Vixey.

When I was 14, I experimented smoking too. My late father was a man of few words...but his stares could 'kill' ya and he was a smoker too. The day I was caught, he called me to his side, with a ciggie puffing away....he asked me....."Do you want one?" I was so scared, I almost 'kencing dalam seluar'. I knew he must had found out. The truth was..I had stolen one of his ciggies, smoked in my room and my sister smelled the odor.

We all had our childhood days......always wanting to experience new things, experimented what our friends were doing, etc. Some may be wrong...but its part of growing up.

Ski
28-06-2005, 02:20 PM
Hi
If all the above methods mentioned dont work,can i relate to what i did when I found my son involved in smoking.
Did not tell him in advance but made a surprise visit to the TB hospital, cancer wards in UH and GH and he saw for himself the sufferings..he turned cold and was devasted at the scenes, since then he has given up smoking.

TQ

ceo684
28-06-2005, 03:18 PM
Actually it isn't so much of the smoking per se . The parents is worried that there is a real hidden problem associated to that issue. Will that lead her to worse , drugs, estassy or other undesirable habits. To punish or not to punish ? How to thread the situation so as not to put up too much barrier between the parents and child that lead to a breakdown in communication and trust. If she did not listen to the parents reasoning, what next.

Well.. ciggies are somewhat associated with alcopops (those 4.90 vodka ices) .. depends on the gal la.. some successful women i met also were smokers last time in their youth.

Anti smoking ar.. better to use educational method. Let her smoke lah, on the basis that u make it clear you disapprove. (health issues will wisen her up sooner or later. better try smoking rather than goody goody till 22 then after that bf influence smoke, that 22+ smoking is harmful as that is proven to be more addictive than the 15-18 try-try smokes). She smokes light (kent 6/9 is probably cleaner than the vehicle exhaust gases) or gone "heavy pro" with the marlboros?

Maybe the same thing more or less can be said about some gals that wear tudung at home but take off when outside, when sampai at the local ktm baru wear back, hehe. <- Very amusing

CCY
28-06-2005, 03:23 PM
Hi
If all the above methods mentioned dont work,can i relate to what i did when I found my son involved in smoking.
Did not tell him in advance but made a surprise visit to the TB hospital, cancer wards in UH and GH and he saw for himself the sufferings..he turned cold and was devasted at the scenes, since then he has given up smoking.

TQ

The underlying problem is more than just smoking. Most can bear with it. It is that negative conotation associated with smoking and what it will lead to is a bigger issue here. It is a matter of ' what's next' is in the pipeline. Nobody want to hear from their teens that say they are becoming a mother/father of sorts now. I have not come to that stage yet with mine for another few years . But it would be good to be knowleageable, aware of the steps that can be taken when that happens.