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uchangeng
20-12-2005, 02:23 PM
A daughter goes overseas for her tertiary education. A year later, comes home for summer holiday with a boy friend, a foreigner, Hing Kong Chinese. Being just turned 21 and sexually active, she and the boy friend unreservably go on a public display of passionate affection for one another, hugs and kisses in the public, at home and everywhere. What should the parents do? She is 21, legally, she is free to do anything. The parents are still in a denial mode, but the rest of the family members, being Asians, do not culturally accept this public display of affection, not to mention sex before marriage. At any rate, no one would doubt that what their sexual lives would be by now. She knows the boy just 4 months ago. Is that too fast, too much to give up?

If you are the parent, what would you do?

Chase the boy out of your home? wack the boy senseless?

alexhay
20-12-2005, 02:26 PM
you must be the parent of this daughter ;) ....what u can do is to talk to her. tell her that the culture in asia is diff from US or UK....we cannot accept such action in public... Be nice to her...explain to her..... she will understand and wont do it again...

CCY
20-12-2005, 02:41 PM
She's probably showing off her prize catch or hinting that she is old enough to decide on her own life. Talk..talk..n more talk to her to finish her uni first...that's what I think the parents can only do .

FengYun
20-12-2005, 02:45 PM
i agree with alexhay! :) but before explain to the daughter, i advise the parent really should think and plan carefully, so that the gal can more easily accept and won't give any negative respond... :)

uchangeng
20-12-2005, 02:51 PM
i got two boys and i wish my boys will not grow up this way.

talk to the daughter? yes, the entire family already done with. the answer was: this is ang-mo, mat salleh, style la.. nothing wrong... well, my response was : only the "pariah" ang-mo behave like that la.. the poor ang-mo. wealthy, educated and cultered ones not like that one. she got mad at me. the father is too depressed to speak. mother, still in denial mode, thinking that the daughter has fished a golden tortise son-in-law from hong kong. In reality, my contention is if that guy ended up someone else husband one day, the dausghter just got licked for free!

evelynlim
20-12-2005, 02:55 PM
I think home education about female/male relationship and sex is important. Our children must have a strong fundation on relationship/sex education so that they won't easily get influence from the western country/internet/TV.
If for the past 20 years this girl has been living in Malaysia, she should know the culture here where people don't actually hugs and kisses openly in the public. Explain to her nicely like what Alexhay mentioned, tell her the danger of sex before marriage....etc . If she doesn't bother to listen to all the teachings and advices,pull her back to Malaysia and continue the study locally as I believe all the degree/master prg can be done locally.
Well, if she insisted that this is the man that she wanted to live her life with...and their sex relationship has gone beyond... :eek: then you may consider to get them married :(

alexhay
20-12-2005, 02:55 PM
true...i know a few ang moh, they wont do this infront of everyone....only will give their wife a goodbye kiss only...;) I did not see them simply hug and kiss infront of public...

I did ask a friend of mine (he is from US). He told me that their culture also will not accept ppl simply hug and kiss in public. Only a goodbye kiss will do.

orchipalar
20-12-2005, 03:06 PM
Originally quoted by UChangEng: If you are the parent, what would you do? Chase the boy out of your home? wack the boy senseless?

i got two boys and i wish my boys will not grow up this way.

talk to the daughter? yes, the entire family already done with. the answer was: this is ang-mo, mat salleh, style la.. nothing wrong... well, my response was : only the "pariah" ang-mo behave like that la.. the poor ang-mo. wealthy, educated and cultered ones not like that one. she got mad at me. the father is too depressed to speak. mother, still in denial mode, thinking that the daughter has fished a golden tortise son-in-law from hong kong. In reality, my contention is if that guy ended up someone else husband one day, the dausghter just got licked for free!Err...dear UChangEng:)...since you have posted this...IF Orchi may...just a thought from Orchi...here.

Should she be your own flesh n blood...darling daughter instead...ahem...would you use the same manners to describe the whole issue here...?

Ahem...having asked that...should you n your family be the one faced with this similar issue personally...would you mind IF your friends...err...no matter how close they may be to you...openly discuss this with strangers...or in a public forum...with those manners?

Sorry IF you think Orchi has taken this all wrong...but for a minute there...Orchi didn't think...you could have it in you to do this here...or perhaps you are NOT being yourself on this one...

Err...btw...last but not least...this is NOT about anyone trying to be on moral high grounds...rather it's just doesn't seem to be a right thing to do...

saml
20-12-2005, 03:12 PM
I think the problem with a lot of youngsters is that they will want to be even more kwai loh in behavious than the kwai lohs themselves. People who are cultured, kwai lohs included will be quite reserved in their show of affections for their loved ones. Greetings and hugs are normal but that is it.

layman
20-12-2005, 03:12 PM
i would unreservedly tell them to practise contraception

remind them that this is an islamic country and openly displaying affection is a taboo and frowned upon

may get into trouble with the laws of this country if overtly intimate and behave indecently in public

to the father- time to let her lead her own life.social values has changed.prenuptial sex is an accepted practice- is the rage among teenagers

alexhay
20-12-2005, 03:26 PM
yeah....sometimes when i parton pubs...i notice some youngsters act totally like ang moh....with their slang.....anyone watch the advertisement by telekom or petronas..on the 2 guy talk like ang moh and suddenly their grandma appear...

hmmm.....

tan_r
20-12-2005, 03:29 PM
There may be some parallel to this quote which I heard sometime back:

"If our children lie, who has made them afraid to tell the truth?"

The answer, most of the time, lies within. We are the problem and we are the solution. Wish life could be much simpler.

Vixey
20-12-2005, 03:30 PM
My 2 cents worth:

The girl obviously is in a hurry to show all and sundry that she is a "woman" and for her parents to see she is an "adult" hence the over the top behaviour.

In my opinion, pulling her back to study in Malaysia, whacking the guy up or even trying to discipline the girl is going to backfire.

Tell her, if she wants to behave like an adult then do so. Adults behave considerately and respectfully of the ppl around them. Tell her, her blatant disregard for the sensitivities of her family & community shows her immaturity. And if she continues to act immaturely, she will be treated as a child & not an adult.

If she is living under your roof for the holidays, then she should grow up, act like the adult she thinks she is. If she can't do that, ask her to move to a hotel with her boyfriend and let them pay for it.

Tell her too that ang mohs know when and how to behave where. Asian wannabes just make fools of themselves pretending that they are "sophisticated" and "worldly".

She is gloating on the reaction this has caused her parents. The shock, the horror...its what is driving her. Remove that "pay off" for her as well. Basically treat it as a non-event.

Tell the boy too if he wants to treat your daughter publicly like his wife, then act like a son-in-law as well and contribute to the expenses of the home. Tell them both if they want to act like a married couple, they will have to take the responsibility along with it. Not just the icing.

ok..maybe more than 2 cents but from experience as to how my uncle handled his wayward daughter. I on the other hand never gave my parents such grief. All evil doing was done discreetly! :D

vsat
20-12-2005, 03:38 PM
I would threaten to disown my daughter if my advises to leave this guy and concentrate in her studies falls deaf on her ears.

Or maybe a tight slap on her face will do the trick. Sometimes, old school is the way to disicpline the young ones.

in
20-12-2005, 03:42 PM
I agree with layman. In this day and age, sex before marriage is commonplace. As long as she is doing it at her own free will, there is nothing much we can say. However, the girl must be advised about contraception and guarding herself against STD. I believe that if a young person does not know anything about contraception and STD, then they are not ready for sex.

As for public displays of affection. There certainly is a limit on what you can do in public. Just have to explain to them again.

By the sound of it, both the girl and boy sound very immature. They think they are all grown up by acting like this. They don't seem to understand the word 'respect', respect for parent's and local culture.

burntan
20-12-2005, 03:44 PM
If I am the parent I will warn my daughter and her boy friend that hugging and kissing in public here in Malaysia will be arrested and force to do ear squat. :D

Actually I don't mind, as long as my daughter happy and be responsible of what she is doing.

balitan
20-12-2005, 03:48 PM
being asians, basically we don't act in this way
don't know how this girl was before she left for overseas, since she can
behave like this in front of parents, then don't know WHAT has happened
already overseas
now it is left for the parents to decide !!
what would you want of your daughter ?
tell her hey, don't behave like this in front of us...............
we are ASIANS, malaysians, our society does not permit this.........

do let me qoute one case here
this schoolgirl met a guy
the guy came home from aussie land during holidays
they got very friendly
girl got pregnant, guy's parents allow them to marry
guy continue to study, girl jaga baby back home
wait for guy to graduate
what a future for girl and guy
they haven't got to know what the world is and tied down to each other already !!!!

so daddy , do something before it is too late
God bless you

JackRyan1975
20-12-2005, 03:55 PM
Looks like this is one hazard of overseas education which was missed out in the debate here:

http://www.usj.com.my/bulletin/upload/showthread.php?t=10589

achee
20-12-2005, 05:56 PM
Whatever suggested is easier said than done........ In this case, who is at fault?

For most of us who are still having younger children, let's take this as a precaution. This may happen to us, so let's NOURISH OUR CHILDREN with VALUES from now on.

Nic_of_Time
20-12-2005, 06:08 PM
Well, they say "Love is Blind" infactuation or otherwise.
Lovesick humans or animals really know no bounds.
When youngsters are driven by hormones, anything goes.
Understand, because we were there once, but fortunately
for many, we have the mental strengths or rather social,
peer pressures to put us in the non-controversial paths.

In the above case, its time for table talks between all
conflicting parties.
"When in Rome, do as the Roman do".
Humananity possesses a range of conflicting interests and each would
like to push theirs as far as possible.
If the parents are the owners of the house, the parents have the rights to
dictate the norms which can be authocratic, reasonable or liberal as
long as these norms do not contravene the law.

If you are still funding your daughter's education, you have every right to stipulate and attach reasonable conditions to it. I think there was a precedent that a parent do not have a legal responsibility to fund their children after a certain age.

If you have the ace card(social, financial, emotional,) you should be able to dictate your norms as long as it is socially reasonable and taking into consideration the reasonable interests of the other parties as well.

At 20+, both youths should be able to understand negotiations and contractual obligations. One can also use a neutral party or an expert counsellor as an arbiter.

It is hope that the children will not go to the extend of using paternity instincts as a blackmail. Sometimes children can sense that their parents love them so much that they are willing to subtlely bargain this to impose their wills.

I think the use of intelligent discussions and exercise of emotional intelligence could resolve such issues. At least, there is a possibility here of removing certain behaviors not to your liking within your boundary of influence.

However, whatever your daughter and bf decide to do out of sight is a different matter. Outside one's area of influence, a parent can only hope that they have given enough counselling(past and present) to the children to live up to their expectations (socially reasonable). It is a question of nature vs nurture, that sometimes certain parents are lucky enough to have children that so 'well- behaved' when they grow up.

On the other hand, if the child own the house and is independent, she have the right to do what is legally reasonable, and the parents can move away from the 'ugliness'. At some time, parents will have to untie the apron strings.

uchangeng
20-12-2005, 06:34 PM
nic of time. i guess your response wins the 1st prize. table talk and dictate terms and condition based on our asian value.

layman. your remedy: use of contraception. good idea. what choice is there for the perents to have.

orchi: it is not any of my family. but then, like everyone here with children, this can happen to me, one day. Precuation is better than cure.

to all forumers, thanks for your enthusiatic participation, you guys got wisdom la... your input will be heard and i am sure much appreciated by both the still depressed parents of the girl.

next time, when you send your daughters and sons to an overseas education, alert them of the pit falls, don't get pregnant, it is no fun!!!!!!

alexhay
20-12-2005, 06:36 PM
aiya...i basically have a friend....before she left for overseas, his dad both a big box of condom for her ;) ....

joker2107
21-12-2005, 04:41 AM
anyone who reads newspapers wud surely hv come across such stories n d resulting sob tales. but kids always believe that evil only befalls other people, that they always know d guy well enuf. nic_of_time is sure dead on. but reality is, extending d wisdom of omar khayam, not often near home does genius brightly shine, no more often than diamonds while still in the mine. puppy love knows no kin, no blood bond. every word from a related soul wud often b responded wit words of greater wisdom. sometimes i wonder if d treatment accorded 2 a "brother-in-law" of mine by his then girlfriend's family is d answer - they told him point blank "u wanna mess around wit our girl, if anything we don't like happens, u will b maggot food". she was his last girlfriend. he's now her hubby of 20 yrs.

fedup
21-12-2005, 06:38 AM
Most of our children are a mirror of ourselves though as they grow up they may behave differently. I think in this case it's the parents who are at fault . My guess is that both parents had been too busy making money & saving it to be able to send the daughters overseas & leaving the children to look out for themselves while they were growing up. How do you expect them to behave when the are only influence by western soap operas where sleeping around is the norm.Good luck to all those couples who have children and are too busy to look after them, thus leaving them to be influenced by the cowherds & tv operas. :p :p Sorry for too much guessing here but then again my daughter went overseas but she still hold on to asian values :p :p :p

Harmony
21-12-2005, 08:01 AM
When I was about that age and studying in England in mid-80's, I stayed with mat salehs - english boy & his girlfriend (they later got married), 2 white americans and a swiss. Believe me, none of them show such indecency! My english classmates respect the principles and values that I uphold and would never do anything "funny"...
I returned a couple of years later, still proud of my Asian values :)
Guess my kampung upbringing helped me through the years there.....

When I was working for a foreign co. here in KL, many expat collegues remarked that some Malaysians tend to be more "westernised" that the werstern people themselves!
A lot of people like to imitate the West but sadly, only the yellow cultures... worse still, some of them had never even been out of Malaysia!!! The media has indeed a lot of influence on the young people of today............. AF for e.g. promotes public hugging & literally cry on another's shoulder, among young people; that's not the culture that our Chinese, Indian or Malay forefathers were proud of..... I may sound old-fashioned but if lose these values, we are inculcating "kiasu culture" in our children - not respecting others.... :mad:

mallanhead
21-12-2005, 11:46 AM
I think the problem with a lot of youngsters is that they will want to be even more kwai loh in behavious than the kwai lohs themselves. People who are cultured, kwai lohs included will be quite reserved in their show of affections for their loved ones. Greetings and hugs are normal but that is it.

I agree with Saml. Some asian are worse than the mat salleh. They overdoing it. I myself married to a mat salleh. My husband family does not overdo the kissing and hugging things. It is not trying to respect me, it is just not done. Sure of course you will still some kissing here and there, but it is not the heavy thingie.

I've seen a lot of Asian who married mat salleh turning more mat salleh than their mat salleh spouse. I think they should think that in the first place this mat salleh choose a Asian spouse because they like Asian trait. Caring, demure and softer and etc. If they wanted a matsalleh in the first place, why would the choose Asian. Sometimes I feel sad to see this happen. When a Asian is more Mat Salleh than the Mat Salleh themself.

EricK
21-12-2005, 12:05 PM
I would threaten to disown my daughter if my advises to leave this guy and concentrate in her studies falls deaf on her ears.

Or maybe a tight slap on her face will do the trick. Sometimes, old school is the way to disicpline the young ones.

Ah yes the asian way of doing things.... the "i kena slapped and i turned out all right" theory..

Just a question vsat, if you had bring up your daughter in your values why did she so easily change her values you mean to say your upbringing for over 20 years is so ineffective that her one year overseas has overridden whatever values u inculcate in her? Think about it..

billy
21-12-2005, 01:43 PM
As a parent, there isn't much you can do now. Moreover, they are in-love....... they can't see anything beyond that.

Upbringing is important starting when they were babies. If the parent did a good job during those time. I don't think they will face the problem now.

Why not the parent also do the samething? Hug them and tell them they love two of them.

Kiss and hug should be a norm in a family. My wife and I do kiss and hug infront of our kids, 3, 5 7 years old. Every morning I do kiss and hug them and my wife in-front of everybody before I go to work.

uchangeng
21-12-2005, 02:17 PM
Today's Star : Dato Hisham to introduce sexuality as a subject in all schools. In a sex close Asian society, this will definately help.

Problem with our Asian perception of sex is that we prefer not to discuss it with our kids. And by the time the kids reach puberty, they know comparatively little about sexuality than the Mat Salleh. so, when they have bf or gf, all hell break loose. try out. experiment and the end result is you have unplanned baby. the worse case scenarion, you got pregnant or you impregnate someone and your parents are not suppose to know it any the hero and heroine could not keep the baby.

If you read the statistics from our Dato Shahrizat ministry, you will see the magnitude of the social probelm our society face as far as single mothers and unwed mothers are concerned. It is alarming. But than again, Asian family are too proud to talk about the issue in the open. Jangan buka pekung didada. that is the mindset. sweep under the carpet. many suffer in silence, if the girl got pregnant, the parents will scramble to find someone, just anyone convenient, to marry away the daughter, cover up. if the parents are poor and the girl is financially dependent on them, you can imagine the life she would have to go thru.....

not so long ago, I came across this bright female uni. student who got pregnant by one of her bf, now the parents take care of the baby and she is doing her last year in uni.. and the hero? .....you guess la...what can a 21 year-old drifter do to support a baby.

wAISEKMAo
21-12-2005, 05:44 PM
A daughter goes overseas for her tertiary education. A year later, comes home for summer holiday with a boy friend, a foreigner, Hing Kong Chinese. Being just turned 21 and sexually active, she and the boy friend unreservably go on a public display of passionate affection for one another, hugs and kisses in the public, at home and everywhere. What should the parents do? She is 21, legally, she is free to do anything. The parents are still in a denial mode, but the rest of the family members, being Asians, do not culturally accept this public display of affection, not to mention sex before marriage. At any rate, no one would doubt that what their sexual lives would be by now. She knows the boy just 4 months ago. Is that too fast, too much to give up?

If you are the parent, what would you do?

Chase the boy out of your home? wack the boy senseless?

First of all, you should breath easier knowing your daughter's boy friend are not african blacks, fanatics muslims, sadist or bad guy.

I think you should talk as in like a "friend to a friend" to your daughter that if the same thing(your grand daughter brings ang moh back and kiss..all those things in front of her) happen to her daughter in the future, what will she do? tell her how you feel as parents on the issues involve. Please do not tell or scold her. Just make her see the way you see will do.

Other than that, unless you want to force, there's not much you can do ..really.

in
21-12-2005, 05:55 PM
First of all, you should breath easier knowing your daughter's boy friend are not african blacks, fanatics muslims, sadist or bad guy.

That's not a very nice thing to say.... what's wrong with african blacks?

uchangeng
21-12-2005, 06:38 PM
hello brother, it adds color to your family la... and how many concervatives can survive the cultural shocks? I am not sure of myself. May be I freak out.

On the other hand, how about the other side of the family tree? u think they will not freak? My Bengali friend's baby cried when he 1st saw me without a turban and a beard. And when he visited me, my toddler son screamed his head out seeing his osama beard and turban.

kwchang
21-12-2005, 11:58 PM
First of all, you should breath easier knowing your daughter's boy friend are not african blacks, fanatics muslims, sadist or bad guy
"In" has beaten me to question your racist remark about Africans.
This one statement has revealed a lot about the gremlins in one's mind.
Such statements are not welcomed here. Please take back that statement.

USJ27Resident
22-12-2005, 03:11 AM
That's not a very nice thing to say.... what's wrong with african blacks?

Dunno.... :confused:

but I remember my uncle freaking the hell out when my cousin sister came back from the US - with a "black" (african american) guy.... :p :D

All his nephews ( and I mean ALL!!!) were told to get his daughter a Chinese boyfriend before the year was up!!! :p Wanna laugh, just thinking about it!!!

(ps... the b/bf is history now...so he breathing a little easier.... )

EdRoZeN
22-12-2005, 08:03 PM
First of all, you should breath easier knowing your daughter's boy friend are not african blacks, fanatics muslims, sadist or bad guy.

Hard to imagine, even in this society, this era, and especially not in USA, but Malaysia, someone is racist against blacks. Sad thing to see.

wAISEKMAo
22-12-2005, 10:17 PM
Well, you know what...being racist and having a daughter with a black husband is entire different story.
I am sorry if I am to offend you ladies and gentleman.

Maybe it's me having a problem dealing with the fact if my son or daughter's partner is blacks or fanatics. But think about it for a moment, your daughter's husband is African blacks? can you really accept is whole heartly.

Again I am not racist against any race at all...in fact i was staying with blacks for whole yr during my college yr.

Wait until you guys stay with blacks, you will know what I mean.

Again, I am sorry if I am to offend anybody at all. And I am not racist to any race at all.

Teeque
23-12-2005, 03:32 AM
Well, you know what...being racist and having a daughter with a black husband is entire different story.
I am sorry if I am to offend you ladies and gentleman.

Maybe it's me having a problem dealing with the fact if my son or daughter's partner is blacks or fanatics. But think about it for a moment, your daughter's husband is African blacks? can you really accept is whole heartly.

Again I am not racist against any race at all...in fact i was staying with blacks for whole yr during my college yr.

Wait until you guys stay with blacks, you will know what I mean.

Again, I am sorry if I am to offend anybody at all. And I am not racist to any race at all.

Even frm ur above statement, even when u dont see it, u are actually racist in ur comments and thoughts. What makes u think that staying with other ppl of different race and color is any different than the blacks? Hv u stayed with the whites, the browns, the yellows, the reds, the what-hv-u etc??? Just because you hv lived with a few colored ppl and had some negative experiences, you hv generalised the entire race to be that way. The problem of racism starts with generalising a certain race or creed of ppl. The current politically correct term in vogue now is called 'profiling', which is used in the recent lockup girl case. If you 'profiled' an entire race/creed just because of the negative experiences of a few, you are actually practising racism. Period.

However, it would be different if you had just stated that it will be culturally challenging to you with your conservative mindset if your daughter would marry a man of a different race and color. But if you followed that up with the generalization of a certain race of ppl, then it was more of the racist mindset rather than the conservative mindset that 'challenged' you.

orchipalar
23-12-2005, 08:02 AM
Today's Star : Dato Hisham to introduce sexuality as a subject in all schools. In a sex close Asian society, this will definately help.

Problem with our Asian perception of sex is that we prefer not to discuss it with our kids. And by the time the kids reach puberty, they know comparatively little about sexuality than the Mat Salleh. so, when they have bf or gf, all hell break loose. try out. experiment and the end result is you have unplanned baby. the worse case scenarion, you got pregnant or you impregnate someone and your parents are not suppose to know it any the hero and heroine could not keep the baby. Err...introducing early sex education in school is one thing...the effectiveness is another...

n why is mat salleh being made as a benchmark reference here...?

Ahem...is it because averagely folks in the States(majority mat salleh?)...would begin having sexual experience...from as early as the age of 12...or even earlier?

Err...or is it because significant numbers of folks in Britain(majority mat salleh?)...have sexual experience before the age of consent...?

"At present in Britain about one in five girls experience their first sexual intercourse before the age of consent. More than a quarter of boys will have experienced sex by the same age."

http://www.studentbmj.com/back_issues/0496/teensex.htm

nwl_234
23-12-2005, 09:01 AM
In olden days, this girl would have been 'cam zu long' (put in a basket and dump her to the sea). I think the only way is try to talk to the girl and probably the guy if possible.

mon
23-12-2005, 09:38 AM
It's easy for me to say this. I hope my children would learn for themselves when they come of age to be independant..certainly parents cannot have a hold on their children's lives forever..somehow, they have to learn, to let go.
If they come back to me for advice and guidance, that would be a blessing, that is, if they could still remember that I have brought them up and would do anything to help them in times of troubles.
The more we try to stop them, the more rebellious they might become. So just let them be.

chrisbachang
23-12-2005, 11:08 AM
"In" has beaten me to question your racist remark about Africans. This one statement has revealed a lot about the gremlins in one's mind. Such statements are not welcomed here. Please take back that statement.

I absolutely agree with kwchang that such statements are not welcomed in this forum, or for that matter, in any forum or any place else. Humans look at all things through tinted (or tainted) glasses and although racism is as natural as the air we breathe, it is how we utter our inner thoughts which would cause deep offence to others. Many others are very quick to condemn people who utter racist remarks - and they are absolutely right in doing so - but let's not go overboard and start throwing rocks in glass houses. Deep in our hearts, many of us are racists, but then, let's keep them in our hearts. There are people whom I know who do not have a single bone of negative racism in them. These are the fine people who are really contented and are confident with themselves. I noticed that one or two of you belong to this category and it is fantastic. Unfortunately, the majority of human kinds are still groping in the dark when it comes to coping with differences in race. Throughout this forum, kwchang has been consistently proven to be one of the few who doesn't have any racist feelings, and this is not because he is a moderator and must say the right thing but because he actually believes in it and lives his belief. For a few others, we all live in glass houses.

chrisbachang
23-12-2005, 11:10 AM
A daughter goes overseas for her tertiary education. A year later, comes home for summer holiday with a boy friend, a foreigner, Hing Kong Chinese. Being just turned 21 and sexually active, she and the boy friend unreservably go on a public display of passionate affection for one another, hugs and kisses in the public, at home and everywhere. What should the parents do? She is 21, legally, she is free to do anything. The parents are still in a denial mode, but the rest of the family members, being Asians, do not culturally accept this public display of affection, not to mention sex before marriage. At any rate, no one would doubt that what their sexual lives would be by now. She knows the boy just 4 months ago. Is that too fast, too much to give up?

If you are the parent, what would you do?

Chase the boy out of your home? wack the boy senseless?

Actually what is the beef all about? It is all parts and parcels of life (and growing up). Water will always find its own level.

CCY
23-12-2005, 12:03 PM
Actually what is the beef all about? It is all parts and parcels of life (and growing up). Water will always find its own level.

Would it be better if it should be guided to a different level...?

chrisbachang
23-12-2005, 02:26 PM
In the strictest sense, not necessarily.

leewinnie46
26-12-2005, 10:12 PM
Dear Uchangeng,

Being 21 year old, very rebel and many thing happen you could cry without tear.

Talk to her nicely and discuss with her, you can't accept this being a father in Asian, ask her if she agree to your suggestion - get the guy to move out of the house.

But you know what, if this thing happen in front of u , you know what he is but what if you don't know who is MR X. She is doing this in front of you, when she got back for study, she could have doing this at oversea too. So are you gonna stop her study oversea ?

wsp
26-12-2005, 11:02 PM
Dear Uchangeng,

Being 21 year old, very rebel and many thing happen you could cry without tear.

Talk to her nicely and discuss with her, you can't accept this being a father in Asian, ask her if she agree to your suggestion - get the guy to move out of the house.

But you know what, if this thing happen in front of u , you know what he is but what if you don't know who is MR X. She is doing this in front of you, when she got back for study, she could have doing this at oversea too. So are you gonna stop her study oversea ?

If I were her father, i would warn her upfront before sending her overseas for study. After that i will follow by phone calls/emails to remind her to behave decently. Don't waste my hard earned money and bring problems home!!
:cool: I dont mind kicking her out of the family if she were to mess around with unhealthy and indecent activities!!

baby
26-12-2005, 11:20 PM
There's no need to kick anyone out of your lives..what more your own flesh and blood. If words and all kinda persuasion fails, just let them be la..when the time is right, they'll be back. Not saying whatever goes, que sera sera..but if they don't listen, what can you do? Just give them your blessings and lives go on..and pray they'll learn, the easiest way instead.
My parents trust me now, they know I've learnt to think for myself, the hard way :D

CCY
27-12-2005, 09:16 AM
.....
My parents trust me now, they know I've learnt to think for myself, the hard way :D

These are what my parents said when leaving home for the city 'you are yourself what you want yourself to be' . Pretty simple yet strong message.

sinleong
28-12-2005, 12:25 AM
how do we blame the kids?? we are all becoming more westernized than the westerners...
1. look at christmas! i think christmas decorations in malaysian malls beats any chinese new year, hari raya or deepavali. where else in the world is there such thing as christmas countdown? i've lived in europe for many years... christmas is a quiet family affair. in malaysia, there is a countdown party in bukit bintang...
2. then we have dinners... someone stands up and proposes a toast... with ribena as susbstitute for wine.... if we talk about yam seng, that's us chinese... but toast?

bcteh
28-12-2005, 06:50 AM
Usually depends on the person itself also .....if your daugther weak in faith, she is easy to be influence by the people around her.

Malaysia is not yet open, but I wouldn't denial that some of the teenager already involved in sex. They are not open, but they will do it without your knowledge.

:cool:

chrisbachang
28-12-2005, 08:19 AM
If I were her father, i would warn her upfront before sending her overseas for study. After that i will follow by phone calls/emails to remind her to behave decently. Don't waste my hard earned money and bring problems home!!
:cool: I dont mind kicking her out of the family if she were to mess around with unhealthy and indecent activities!!

Kicking her out of the family? That is one sure easy way of parenting. What happened to love and responsibilities?

baby
28-12-2005, 08:26 AM
For all you know, your 21-year old daughter could be REALLY in love. Or falling in love for the very first time. Have you ever thought of that?

Anyway, she has reached an age when she should be able to know right from wrong. But whether she does the 'right' thing or not, that's a different matter. You could guide her to perfection to your standards, but remember, she has a mind of her own now. She's not a small baby anymore :D

kokomo
28-12-2005, 09:11 AM
Baby, pls bare in mind .. to our parents we're alwiz still like a baby to them do u get it baby? :D :rolleyes:

orchipalar
28-12-2005, 11:13 AM
Err...would it make any difference...should the daughter or son brings home from abroad...an intimate partner of the same sex...jia lat liao??

kokomo
28-12-2005, 11:20 AM
Err...would it make any difference...should the daughter or son brings home from abroad...an intimate partner of the same sex...jia lat liao??

Errr ... signs of your child liking the same sex ... how would u be able to tell? :confused:

Neva had any kids and me being still single and not married won't know bout it and me being a norm guy liking a gurl .. lagi I won't know it .. :rolleyes:

But if child of yours bring home a friend , anyone for that matter .. I think parents should be able to learn how to accept it openly rather showing them a dislike expression on their face .. since they're above 21 yrs of age

hezron
28-12-2005, 11:29 AM
I believe in early age education...
If you missed this stage...
You probably will end up in more problem later...

I think we should accept and respect what she choose...
Since she is an adult...
If the mind didn't turn up to be mutual enough to make a right choice...
You can not blame her on this...

USJ27Resident
28-12-2005, 12:05 PM
A daughter goes overseas for her tertiary education. A year later, comes home for summer holiday with a boy friend, a foreigner, Hing Kong Chinese. Being just turned 21 and sexually active, she and the boy friend unreservably go on a public display of passionate affection for one another, hugs and kisses in the public, at home and everywhere. What should the parents do? She is 21, legally, she is free to do anything. The parents are still in a denial mode, but the rest of the family members, being Asians, do not culturally accept this public display of affection, not to mention sex before marriage. At any rate, no one would doubt that what their sexual lives would be by now. She knows the boy just 4 months ago. Is that too fast, too much to give up?

If you are the parent, what would you do?

Chase the boy out of your home? wack the boy senseless?

In one sentence, you've actually answered the question... :p What can a parent do ~ when still in denial mode.... :)

The fact is, the girl is no more a little girl but a woman - and she will do like what any young adult would do... unless she chooses to end up in a convent!

mysticalangel
28-12-2005, 02:37 PM
I know I have to say something being a product of American education.

I believe it all depends on an individual. I am the only daughter who grew up with 3 brothers and had lived a very protected life at home. But when time came, dad felt it was appropriate to send me abroad "to experience independence" and with that independence, came responsibility.

It is also about values, people an individual mixes with and personal choice. I had Asian friends in uni who smokes, take drugs etc just to fit in with their peers. Despite having a variety of friends in university, I wasnt at all influenced by them- to which I attribute to the values my parents had incalcated in me, my personal choice and knowledge that certain things just isnt good for me as well as advice from family about how education is a priority especially when it is so expensive.

As far as I am concerned, I do have some foreign ideals but deep within me, there is Asian values and I know what I should and should not do. For one, I will not do anything to hurt my family and those who had loved me unconditionally.

AllUrban
30-12-2005, 05:30 PM
A student of mine asked me the following in class:

"Is it ok to sell your body for money?"

This was back when there were newspaper reports about a girl in Singapore was having sex with men to earn money to pay her bf's debts.

Others will have sex for money to get gifts, clothes, etc.

It's scary, to be straight and clear. People dont understand sex and sexuality properly, and they just do what feels right. The liberalization of attitudes that people were hoping for has gone the wrong way...where women are becoming objects for men's pleasure, rather than being treated as individuals.

These days, for many people, sex is not about two partners sharing something intimate...it's become a transaction...call me old fashioned.

Anyways, I'd sit my child down and explain, very clearly, that our society is not comfortable with public displays of affection. I would also point out, very clearly, that romance and intimacy should be the goals of a relationship, and it is not a good idea to rush things....

But I also would have to accept that my values are my own, and there is no guarantee that my child will share those same values, because of the different influences that he/she will grow up with.

Fortunately, I dont have to worry about this for a while...not married, no kids...but I feel sad for anyone with kids these days.

GreenBug
30-12-2005, 11:17 PM
I visited a colleague in Singapore last week in his HDB apartment. Went up to his flat and he asked me to sit at his settee while he gets changed in the bedroom. At the same sofa set, his young daughter (about 16 I think) was with the boyfirend (about same age) both with hands, tongue all over each other. It was difficult keeping my eyes on the plasma TV with these distractions going on so I asked point-blank to both the teenagers if they could have an intermission because I am blushing. Guess what they said?

"Aiyoh Uncle, you're so square one.....watch the TV lor if you donwan to see us expressing love..."

What to do.... its everywhere.... we old folks just need to adjust. My 2 sens is that we need to keep 'communicating' with our kids.... the day we stop doing that we'll lose them.

uchangeng
31-12-2005, 01:19 PM
may be the girl will grow out of it or if she is not and got pregnant along the way, it is her life to live.

at times, I feel that the parents should just let thing be just the way it is. Let go. Just hope for the best.

Temptation, who says it is not couching at the door step?

Advise the girl, oh yes, this should be done without delay. VD and aids......who knows the hero is not a bed-hopper!

bugbear
31-12-2005, 03:04 PM
Obviously the girl is a spoiled brat to behaved like that. No amount of talk or counselling will do. Like the malay proverb, if you want to bend the bamboo do it while it is young. This is too late.
First, the family must set thing straight around the house. The boy being a guess must be told to behave while staying there in no uncertain term. Otherwise it is bye bye.
Unless they are strict with them the girl may end up spoiling her own life for eg. unwanted pregnancy, bad marks in college, getting STD( sexual transmitted diesease)

uchangeng
03-01-2006, 10:14 AM
I always work on presenting the best and the worst scenario to all parties concerned.

The best thing that can happen: both the girl and the boy finish thier undergraduate course and get a good job, remain committed to each other and start a family when they are financially ready. Happy everafter.

The worst scenario is : the girl got pregnant while in school, the boy unable to shoulder the responsibility that comes with the pregnancy, runs away after some struggle. Both drop out of uni and end up without a proper job. Two borken lives, the parents, old and grey, retired with nomore active income, have to shoulder the burden.

The not so bad scenario: after a burning hot relationship, the flame die down. Both go their separate way, but still remain as "friend"(bull ****!). The girl goes in denial mode and God knows what could happen next and the boy goes after another girl.

orchipalar
03-01-2006, 11:03 AM
I always work on presenting the best and the worst scenario to all parties concerned.

The best thing that can happen: both the girl and the boy finish thier undergraduate course and get a good job, remain committed to each other and start a family when they are financially ready. Happy everafter.Err...NOT so fast UChangEng:)...there could be a lot more happy endings to this...don't be such a prejudice...ahem...ya got 2 boys as Orchi recalls...

Your friends(the daughter's parents)...would get to understand n appreciate the daughter's choice more...once they give themselves the equal chance to get to know the boy...n the boy would soon learn to respect them...earn their trust n most likely...they would come to love this boy...as much as they love their darling daughter...n give them both the best blessings n supports...

Before graduation...the parents(in-laws) of the boyz would get to know your friends well enough...to earn mutual respects...they all ended up being one heck of a great families working together n being cooperative n insupport of one another...

Ahem...the young couple would go on to achieve a greater success in their endeavors...with the supports of all parties...

n one day your friends(the daughter's parents) might realise that you have led to them changing their early perspective of the boyfriend...n had encouraged them to accept him with open minds n heart...they would in the end appreciate that you have been truly a great family friend to them...

n everybody lives a happy n wonderful life...

So...there you go...UChangEng:)..Orchi has penned down more encouraging words on your behalf...as oppose to you looking at the bad side of the coins...most of the times... :)

That is what friends are meant to be...